My son is gay. There, I’ve said it. Written it, to be more exact, which is easier than speaking the words out loud. Why can’t I tell you? I have wanted to . . . I have needed to, but the words never make it from my head to my voice box to my mouth without getting stuck along the way.

 

If my son were involved in drugs, I could tell you and we could pray for him together. If he were an alcoholic, you might weep with me about the devastating consequences he faces because of his “disease”. If his poor choices resulted in his incarceration, you might even show your support by accompanying me on visitation day. However, he is none of these. He is a loving, maturing, thoughtful young man who is financially responsible, successfully pursuing his chosen career . . . and dealing with the issue of same sex attraction.

 

Why can’t I tell you? You, my family and friends who were there when he was born, there when his dad died in his arms as an impressionable young teen, there when he went off to college scared and so alone. You, who have children with whom he played, who taught him in Sunday school, who celebrated with me his accomplishments.

 

The reason for my silence, the reason the words are caught in my throat like a glob of wet sand, is that I have heard your jokes, seen your raised eyebrows, and endured your stereotypical remarks and laughter toward homosexuals. I have witnessed your expressions of disgust and your righteous disapproval. Why can’t I tell you that whenever you use the terms “queer”, “light in his loafers”, “limp wristed” or “sissy”, words which can only have derogatory meanings in this context, it is as though you have used a surgical scalpel to open a fresh wound in my already damaged heart. I want to scream at you to stop . . . stop talking about my son whom I love, but I remain silent, bleeding on the inside.

 

Is living a homosexual lifestyle sinful? Yes, God’s word is clear on the issue, but is it a greater sin than any other? Where in the Bible do you find a sliding scale with some sins weighted more than others; some more “acceptable” than others? You can search from Genesis to Revelation and no such rule of measurement will be found.

 

Is having a same sex attraction sinful? No, no more than is the desire to drink, to watch pornography, to eat excessively. After all, who among us gets to choose his weaknesses, his areas of greatest temptation? It is how we respond to these impulses and the power we give them to rule our lives that is the issue.

 

Why can’t I tell you? Because I don’t need your judgment, your theories (genetics vs. environment) or your analysis (domineering mother-absent father). I can assure you that my own feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and failure, which are reinforced by the outcries of the Christian community against homosexuals and their families, are more than sufficient. What I need is for you to treat all people with the respect Christ calls us to show. I need for you to understand that same sex attraction is not a simple matter of choice. I need for you to know that what needs to change in the life of a homosexual is not their orientation, but rather their heart. I need for you to pray for my son and those like him that they may give their lives to the One who promises if we are His, He will provide a way out so that we may stand up against any temptation. What I need most is for you to love my son unconditionally. When I am assured of your love for him . . . then I can tell you.